Something that is awesome: NaNoWriMo! I shall spend the next 30 days writing 50,000 words. I am a "NaNo rebel" and am not actually writing a novel. In any case, I am very excited about the month ahead! I am taking a break from all things awesome and annoying until December.
Something that is annoying: The word "moist." It makes me want to take a cold shower. Finding that word annoying/disgusting/somehow a little bit wrong seems to be a reaction that is embedded in the collective unconscious, as many people tend to shudder when it is said.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Ciao
Something that is awesome: Curing a hangover with greasy food. You then have to combat the horrible gut rot that comes with eating greasy food, but at least you're cured of that annoying pounding in your head and dull desire to watch Spongebob Squarepants for the next 24 hours.
Something that is annoying: The double goodbye. You've just had a lovely meal/coffee/chance encounter with someone, and you have wrapped up the conversation perfectly. You say your goodbyes and then realize that you are both walking in the same direction. You then have to awkwardly start a new, less interesting conversation for the duration of your walk until you part ways yet again--this time with a much less enthusiastic goodbye. It's like taking a beautifully wrapped present, tearing off the paper and stomping on it, and then re-wrapping it with the torn paper. Not the kind of impression you want to leave someone with.
Something that is annoying: The double goodbye. You've just had a lovely meal/coffee/chance encounter with someone, and you have wrapped up the conversation perfectly. You say your goodbyes and then realize that you are both walking in the same direction. You then have to awkwardly start a new, less interesting conversation for the duration of your walk until you part ways yet again--this time with a much less enthusiastic goodbye. It's like taking a beautifully wrapped present, tearing off the paper and stomping on it, and then re-wrapping it with the torn paper. Not the kind of impression you want to leave someone with.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Lick
Something that is awesome: The phrase "you had to be there." It is fantastic to have a weapon with which to combat the vacant stare one receives after telling a story that is only amusing to the teller. It is an unspoken rule that no one is allowed to question the "you had to be there" disclaimer. That sucker is watertight.
Something that is annoying: When someone is looking at a book that belongs to you and he or she (though, in my experience, it's usually a woman) licks his or her index finger before turning the page. Blech. Just go ahead and lick the whole book while you're at it, because that's what I'm going to envision next time I turn the pages. Better yet, why don't we skip the middle man and I can just put my fingers directly in your mouth.
Something that is annoying: When someone is looking at a book that belongs to you and he or she (though, in my experience, it's usually a woman) licks his or her index finger before turning the page. Blech. Just go ahead and lick the whole book while you're at it, because that's what I'm going to envision next time I turn the pages. Better yet, why don't we skip the middle man and I can just put my fingers directly in your mouth.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Fruit Fly
Something that is awesome: Being a fruit fly. It is one of my greatest joys in life, and I hope to have it engraved on my tombstone.
Something that is annoying: I like activities such as bowling and karaoke to be background noise for drinking. I am horrible at both of these things, and laughing at myself and others while doing shots is part of the fun. However, if you go bowling with a group of people who are a.) good at bowling, b.) take it rather seriously, c.) try to help you improve your form, and d.) (the worst one of all): give you an uplifting cheer after your millionth gutter ball, you might find yourself wanting to grab a dark corner (and a martini glass) to hide in until it's all over.
In other words, don't be a fruit fly on bowling night.
Something that is annoying: I like activities such as bowling and karaoke to be background noise for drinking. I am horrible at both of these things, and laughing at myself and others while doing shots is part of the fun. However, if you go bowling with a group of people who are a.) good at bowling, b.) take it rather seriously, c.) try to help you improve your form, and d.) (the worst one of all): give you an uplifting cheer after your millionth gutter ball, you might find yourself wanting to grab a dark corner (and a martini glass) to hide in until it's all over.
In other words, don't be a fruit fly on bowling night.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Line
Something that is awesome: The Oxford comma. My life makes sense as long as the Oxford comma is in it.
Something that is annoying: I get in the wrong line 100% of the time. Always. I'll sometimes try to trick the Universe and start out in one line before switching to another, only to find that I shouldn't try to mess with the Universe because I always switch into the line where the old woman is paying with pennies or the jock can't figure out how to get his shoes off to get through security. It's just my penance for being an inefficient bank teller in a previous life.
Something that is annoying: I get in the wrong line 100% of the time. Always. I'll sometimes try to trick the Universe and start out in one line before switching to another, only to find that I shouldn't try to mess with the Universe because I always switch into the line where the old woman is paying with pennies or the jock can't figure out how to get his shoes off to get through security. It's just my penance for being an inefficient bank teller in a previous life.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Wet
Something that is awesome: When the word "douchebag" is used to describe a person's behavior and/or personality. Using this word in the non-literal sense is incredibly cathartic.
Example: "She's dating a total douchebag."
Non-example: "Can you pick up a douchebag when you are at the pharmacy?" Gross.
Something that is annoying: When an inhabitant of a crowded urban area carries a ridiculously large umbrella and everyone on the sidewalk has to duck-and-swerve around him/her. Said umbrella carrier is usually seen wearing a smug, self-important expression and is clearly a total douchebag.
Example: "She's dating a total douchebag."
Non-example: "Can you pick up a douchebag when you are at the pharmacy?" Gross.
Something that is annoying: When an inhabitant of a crowded urban area carries a ridiculously large umbrella and everyone on the sidewalk has to duck-and-swerve around him/her. Said umbrella carrier is usually seen wearing a smug, self-important expression and is clearly a total douchebag.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Cocoa
Something that is awesome: Swiss Miss hot cocoa. Nothing says "CONGRATULATIONS! You made it through another hard day. Welcome to your couch and pajamas" quite like Swiss Miss. Add a little peppermint schnapps and you might find yourself humming a jaunty tune.
Something that is annoying: I lack the ability to behave like a normal human being when talking to someone with a lazy eye. I frantically try to make eye contact with both eyes and then worry that I'm making the other person uncomfortable with my crazy darting eyes, so then I zero in on one eye and then worry that I'm staring and calling attention to the fact that HEY! LOOK AT THIS! ONLY ONE EYE WORKS RIGHT!, so then I look down at my feet and then have to ask the person to repeat what he or she just said because I was paying no attention whatsoever.
I find this strange character flaw of mine to be rather annoying.
Something that is annoying: I lack the ability to behave like a normal human being when talking to someone with a lazy eye. I frantically try to make eye contact with both eyes and then worry that I'm making the other person uncomfortable with my crazy darting eyes, so then I zero in on one eye and then worry that I'm staring and calling attention to the fact that HEY! LOOK AT THIS! ONLY ONE EYE WORKS RIGHT!, so then I look down at my feet and then have to ask the person to repeat what he or she just said because I was paying no attention whatsoever.
I find this strange character flaw of mine to be rather annoying.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Dude
Something that is awesome: Weekend breakfast. It is excellent to enjoy a weekend breakfast/brunch with a leisurely cup of coffee. I rarely get to eat breakfast during the week, and if I do it is hastily consumed during my walk to work. My boyfriend takes great pride in creating his weekend masterpieces: perfect fruit salads, eggs, bagels, fresh croissants, French press coffee. Heaven.
Something that is annoying: I overheard this conversation on the T yesterday between two teenage guys:
"Dude, he is NOT happy with you. He is totally pissed off. He sent me, like, a pissed off text yesterday."
"Dude! What did the text say?"
"Dude, I'm not gonna tell you. I'm not gonna tell you. But he is, like, not happy. He is pissed off!"
"Dude! What were the words he used? WHAT DID HE SAY IN HIS TEXT?"
"Dude, I'm not gonna tell you. But he is pissed off."
Horrific memories of middle school came rushing back during this exchange. Clearly guys play the same strange power games that girls do, and guys also love stirring up the drama. The only difference is that they start every sentence with "dude."
Something that is annoying: I overheard this conversation on the T yesterday between two teenage guys:
"Dude, he is NOT happy with you. He is totally pissed off. He sent me, like, a pissed off text yesterday."
"Dude! What did the text say?"
"Dude, I'm not gonna tell you. I'm not gonna tell you. But he is, like, not happy. He is pissed off!"
"Dude! What were the words he used? WHAT DID HE SAY IN HIS TEXT?"
"Dude, I'm not gonna tell you. But he is pissed off."
Horrific memories of middle school came rushing back during this exchange. Clearly guys play the same strange power games that girls do, and guys also love stirring up the drama. The only difference is that they start every sentence with "dude."
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Splat
Something that is awesome: Estate jewelry. It's fun buying pieces that are classic and original and were well-loved by their previous owners. I always feel like I'm doing the deceased a favor by pledging to give their jewelry a good home. At least until it ends up in a box at MY estate sale.
Something that is annoying: When someone hocks a big ol' juicy loogey nearby. You can hear the phlegm gathering in the back of that person's throat, followed by the distinctive splashing sound of jettisoned bodily fluids hitting the sidewalk. My gag reflex always dances a little jig when this happens.
Something that is annoying: When someone hocks a big ol' juicy loogey nearby. You can hear the phlegm gathering in the back of that person's throat, followed by the distinctive splashing sound of jettisoned bodily fluids hitting the sidewalk. My gag reflex always dances a little jig when this happens.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Lederhosen
Something that is awesome: In sticking with the theme of finding yodeling awesome I should share that one of my most awesome purchases ever was the "Yodel Bear" I got while traveling in Austria. I should point out the fact that I was a 21-year-old college student at the time and NOT a ten-year-old girl, and I still found him irresistible.
He definitely yodels when you press his stomach.
Something that is annoying: When my neighbors don't bother taking 90 extra seconds to sort their recyclables. They are pretty much telling the planet earth to suck it.
I judge people who don't recycle.
He definitely yodels when you press his stomach.
Something that is annoying: When my neighbors don't bother taking 90 extra seconds to sort their recyclables. They are pretty much telling the planet earth to suck it.
I judge people who don't recycle.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Fall
Something that is awesome: Fall. These are the things I love about fall: pumpkin spice lattes, apple picking, baking apple pie, visiting Salem, reading scary stories, starting another school year, studying fall leaves with kindergarteners, carving pumpkins, sweaters, boots, trench coats, everyone is in tip top shape after working out all summer, gloves, the sound of leaves crunching under your boots.
Something that is annoying: That once a week bus ride wherein a pair of perfectly lovely young Mormon chaps tries to convert me. There must be something about my oh-so-provocative schoolteacher wardrobe that just calls out to them.
Something that is annoying: That once a week bus ride wherein a pair of perfectly lovely young Mormon chaps tries to convert me. There must be something about my oh-so-provocative schoolteacher wardrobe that just calls out to them.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Hello?
Something that is awesome: Street fairs. Where else can you find Italian ice, crystals, those hippie knit caps, original art, and whatever the hot new plastic toy might be, all in the same place?
Something that is annoying: When you look through your stats and realize that not even your MOM is reading your blog.
Something that is annoying: When you look through your stats and realize that not even your MOM is reading your blog.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Whine
Something that is awesome: Getting lost and wandering past a clothesline filled with ENORMOUS white granny panties, waving in the wind like surrender flags.
Something that is annoying: This is my initial list of the most annoying female TV characters (the men get their own list):
1. Susan Meyer on Desperate Housewives
2. Meredith Grey on Grey's Anatomy
3. Carla on Scrubs
4. Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City
It would be awesome if they would all just shut the hell up. On a related note, I think Bella Swan from the Twilight Saga has to be the most annoying literary character ever invented.
Something that is annoying: This is my initial list of the most annoying female TV characters (the men get their own list):
1. Susan Meyer on Desperate Housewives
2. Meredith Grey on Grey's Anatomy
3. Carla on Scrubs
4. Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City
It would be awesome if they would all just shut the hell up. On a related note, I think Bella Swan from the Twilight Saga has to be the most annoying literary character ever invented.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Yodeleheehoo
Something that is awesome: Yodeling. It's fun to listen to, and even more fun to do in the shower in the morning.
Something that is annoying: After watching the video, I'd have to say yodeling. And maybe David Hasselhoff.
Something that is annoying: After watching the video, I'd have to say yodeling. And maybe David Hasselhoff.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Giants
Something that is awesome: Manatees. They exist purely to be adorable and flatulent. When I was a little girl I took a trip to Florida and fed a manatee some lettuce out of my hand when it came to the dock to say hello. It was gentle and friendly and had eyes that seemed filled with actual emotion. We have not made the world a habitable place for these gentle giants, and manatees are killed and injured by boaters every day.
My heart belongs to a manatee.
Something that is annoying: When people fail to use there/their/they're correctly. God kills a kitten whenever these words are used incorrectly.
My heart belongs to a manatee.
Something that is annoying: When people fail to use there/their/they're correctly. God kills a kitten whenever these words are used incorrectly.
Friday, August 26, 2011
"Craptastic"
Something that is awesome: Air quotes. They are the best. Try using them at incorrect times: "So are we having a [air quote] meeting [air quote] today?" It freaks people out for some reason. Fun fact: in the US we use two fingers on each hand to scratch out our air quotes, since we mark speech in writing by using double quotation marks. In Ireland and England, where they use one quotation mark to indicate speech, they only use one finger on each hand for their air quotes.
Something that is annoying: This little jewel is our car:
Other fun features: the radio only works when there's a penny jammed into it, and the passenger seat doesn't lock into place completely. We lovingly refer to it as "the chair of death."
You are glad you are not me.
Something that is annoying: This little jewel is our car:
Other fun features: the radio only works when there's a penny jammed into it, and the passenger seat doesn't lock into place completely. We lovingly refer to it as "the chair of death."
You are glad you are not me.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Boom
Something that is awesome: When I was 16 I drove an amazing 1987 Pontiac station wagon. It was a hatchback, which meant I could pile in a bunch of friends for assorted adventures. It had matching dents in its sides--one caused by me, the other by my sister, and both from early attempts at parking in a garage--that were like cute little dimples.
Something that is annoying: When a car catches on fire while you are driving it. Just like my 1987 Pontiac station wagon did.
Something that is annoying: When a car catches on fire while you are driving it. Just like my 1987 Pontiac station wagon did.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Attention
Something that is awesome: Losing your short-term memory as you get older. At first glance this may seem like a negative thing. HOWEVER, when you do a ton of online shopping and then completely forget everything you ordered, the mailman might as well be Santa Claus.
Something that is annoying: When people post vague Facebook status updates that basically make it sound like there is a horrific tragedy occurring in their lives (e.g. "I'll make it through this." OR, "My life really sucks right now and I want to die."). Now, this in and of itself is not horribly annoying. It's when you approach the person with inquiries after his/her well-being (e.g. "Is everything ok?") and he/she fires back with "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT," or "THAT'S A PRIVATE MATTER" that you kind of wish Facebook had a "punch user in face" feature right next to the "like" thumbs-up.*
*I would like to thank Shira for being my partner in annoyance.
Something that is annoying: When people post vague Facebook status updates that basically make it sound like there is a horrific tragedy occurring in their lives (e.g. "I'll make it through this." OR, "My life really sucks right now and I want to die."). Now, this in and of itself is not horribly annoying. It's when you approach the person with inquiries after his/her well-being (e.g. "Is everything ok?") and he/she fires back with "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT," or "THAT'S A PRIVATE MATTER" that you kind of wish Facebook had a "punch user in face" feature right next to the "like" thumbs-up.*
*I would like to thank Shira for being my partner in annoyance.
Sweat
Something that is awesome: Kicking your own ass at the gym. Nothing is better than just going to TOWN on your body and sweating out all of the toxins while exorcising (exercising?) your demons.
Something that is annoying: When the woman next to you on the elliptical/treadmill/stationary bike is almost twice your age and still twice as fit as you are. You think to yourself, "I want to look like that when I'm 50," when really you want to look like that now.
Something that is annoying: When the woman next to you on the elliptical/treadmill/stationary bike is almost twice your age and still twice as fit as you are. You think to yourself, "I want to look like that when I'm 50," when really you want to look like that now.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Classic
Something that is awesome: Mary Janes. They never go out of style, they are usually comfy, and you can wear them to work or out on the town.
I love you, Mary Jane.
Something that is annoying: When your inner ear itches. You can't get to it in any safe or reasonable way. I make a freaky pig noise with the back of my throat (a la Felix Unger) that seems to somehow relieve the itch. No one likes this noise. No one.
I love you, Mary Jane.
Something that is annoying: When your inner ear itches. You can't get to it in any safe or reasonable way. I make a freaky pig noise with the back of my throat (a la Felix Unger) that seems to somehow relieve the itch. No one likes this noise. No one.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Thunk!
Something that is awesome: Filing. Filing gives me warm fuzzy feelings. It feels productive, and it makes me happy knowing that everything in my life has a well-organized slot. I know that paper filing is slowly becoming obsolete now that our filing can all be done by computer, but the computer doesn't give you that satisfying THUNK that a full filing cabinet does when you close it.
Something that is annoying: Stepping into an empty elevator that is FILLED with the scent of someone's pungent perfume. No one should be allowed to wear SO MUCH PERFUME that it hangs in the air for several minutes after you have departed from a space. It makes me feel like I'm taking a bath in someone else's bathwater.
Something that is annoying: Stepping into an empty elevator that is FILLED with the scent of someone's pungent perfume. No one should be allowed to wear SO MUCH PERFUME that it hangs in the air for several minutes after you have departed from a space. It makes me feel like I'm taking a bath in someone else's bathwater.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Slurp!
Something that is awesome: Irish donkeys. Seriously. Check this guy out:
Something that is annoying: When someone has about a few drops of Icee* in his/her cup and he/she keeps slurping. And slurping. And slurping. Dude....it's empty. Please stop. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
*This can also apply to other beverages that contain ice. However, the slurping problem appears to be particularly bad with Icees. I partially blame the straw-spoon hybrid (stroon?).
Something that is annoying: When someone has about a few drops of Icee* in his/her cup and he/she keeps slurping. And slurping. And slurping. Dude....it's empty. Please stop. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
*This can also apply to other beverages that contain ice. However, the slurping problem appears to be particularly bad with Icees. I partially blame the straw-spoon hybrid (stroon?).
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